Is your date faking it?

Here we go.

I greet my date with a platonic hug and repeat the mantra in my head “fake it til we make it”. Ready or not I’m once again surfing the waters of the lovelorn. Online dating. I created my TwiddlyWinks.com profile like it was an exercise in marketing. If I’m going to join the meat market then I want to properly market my meat…. errr, my qualities in a way that makes me stand out from the rank and file (whoever the hell they are)? It’s got be to be a humble brag that is heavy on the…


“Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream,…”

~The Chordettes

Dear Dream Girl,

Acknowledging that you may well only exist in my imagination I thought I should at least write a formal invitation to make my intentions clear. Best not to leave these things to chance, you know, or pretend I’d be happy with anyone like the parental platitudes of “we just want our baby to be healthy”, which sounded like a fabulous starting point, but I probably should have edited out some of the sassy attitude and funky smells. Was that an option? Anyway, I could start off by sending you…


Sometimes, an epiphany emerges from the subtle flow of language; the choice of a word, the turn of a phase, the tense of a verb. Where uncertainly lingers in the shadows of hope, one word can cut through to unwanted clarity. Some talk endlessly without saying anything. Small talk begets smaller talk, until talking has lost all meaning. Some avoid triggering words for the truth they may reveal, the hurt they may unlock. Some give voice to honest words that innocently change everything.

We are a couple.

My friends and family ask about us. They always do. They want to know how she’s doing…


All I have left is what she left behind. A picture of us hangs over the empty side of the bed. A pink razor abandoned in the shower. The t-shirt she loved to borrow. A coffee mug. A memory. A longing. A void.

The void is the one thing I haven’t embraced. The one thing that brings no comfort. The one thing I haven’t been able to accept. How could something that was so rich and full be replaced with nothing. Like the peaceful rhythm of our relationship there was no drama in the ending. No explosive parting. There was…

Robert Hoffman

Survival Pack: Tales from the Deep End of the Dating Pool and Other Horror Stories

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