Binge watching for self-improvement

Recently a number of disturbing emails have made their way to my inbox here at HR. Each one detailing unprofessional behavior you’ve exhibited at the workplace. This trend cannot continue. You need to learn better self-control and how to make better choices. To that end you have been assigned a…


Old crap you can’t even give away

The time had come. I knew that. The constant pestering of friends and family had just been an ever-present reminder. All I had to do now was pull the trigger and let the magic begin. …


Can we learn to love again?

Second date jitters nibbled at my resolve. Having arrived early I took shelter inside the Barnes and Noble to escape the summer heat. The familiar setting offered a degree of calm. The smell of books advertising endless possibilities, a fitting parallel to the online dating profiles that once again consumed…


And HOAs. And Kids. And Spiders.

Nothing screams summer like taking down your Christmas lights. It was early June when the three warnings from the HOA finally escalated to a cash money fine taped to my front door. …


Adventures in Clickbait

I am clickbait. In the world of online dating, I’m the one that gets your attention first. Look at me. You know you want me. Don’t bother reading my profile. Most of it is random quotes from Nicolas Sparks books. That stuff really doesn’t matter. You might say you’re looking…


Its starts with a simple thought; “let’s make cookies”. Unlike the vacuum of space where no one can hear your scream, the mere mention of cookies reverberates from every surface in the household until it sparks a small stampede of toddler toes. …


Tony and Gino Garibaldi had the potential to be culinary legends. Not content to mimic licensed characters in pasta form, these passionate souls swung for the fences and struck out more often than not. …


Tucked in the quiet recesses of suburbia awaits a wealth of entertainment if you know where to look for it. Despite what people think, misery doesn’t love company. Misery loves isolation where no one uses TikToc. …


Here we go.

I greet my date with a platonic hug and repeat the mantra in my head “fake it til we make it”. Ready or not I’m once again surfing the waters of the lovelorn. Online dating. I created my TwiddlyWinks.com profile like it was an exercise in marketing…

Robert Hoffman

Survival Pack: Tales from the Deep End of the Dating Pool and Other Horror Stories

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