Correspondence to a Dream Girl
“Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream,…”
~The Chordettes
Dear Dream Girl,
Acknowledging that you may well only exist in my imagination I thought I should at least write a formal invitation to make my intentions clear. Best not to leave these things to chance, you know, or pretend I’d be happy with anyone like the parental platitudes of “we just want our baby to be healthy”, which sounded like a fabulous starting point, but I probably should have edited out some of the sassy attitude and funky smells. Was that an option? Anyway, I could start off by sending you a virtual wink, nod or smile, but historically my success rate with that approach has been less than dismal. Subdismal perhaps? Better if I just be open and honest with exactly what I’m looking for and how I can reciprocate. It might be a random shot in the dark but there’s certainly no harm in trying, unlike randomly shooting in the dark which is never a good idea.
While my wish list might seem exhaustive or oddly specific I can promise a great deal of devotion and loyalty in return. I would go to prison for you. Well, not you, I hardly know you, but the idea of you and the future us that we could become. As long as there are conjugal visits,… too soon? Probably. Ok maybe the whole “going to prison” thing is over-stepping at this stage, but suffice to say I’d be dedicated to you; I may not help you hide the body, but at the very least I’d give you a solid head start before reporting said body to the authorities and I’d also make you a nice sack lunch so you don’t get hangry while on the lam,… and as I am enjoying some delicious lamb curry (since that totally got me thinking of lamb) and watching the live coverage of your high-speed chase I would totally root for you, while inwardly feeling validated that you do, in fact, drive worse than I do, even if you are better at parallel parking. You know, now that I think about it I should probably just start off by asking that you’ve never been involved in a high-speed pursuit and you have no immediate plans to “end” someone by malicious or illegal means. And if you have one of those “tear” prison tattoos, we can probably consider that a deal breaker as well.
Maybe I should start with the basics; I’m looking for someone who’s beautiful inside and out. Not the inevitable sexy skeleton of Jenny Lawson, or the sexy underthings of Victoria Secrets (though that never hurts) but a radiant soul filled with equal parts passion and compassion. Your heart is wide open to love but has a discerning palette for kindness. You have that solid sense of self to guide you; you know how you like your eggs. You have strong opinions that you’re willing to fight for but listen to others regardless of perspective. You speak about others as if they were standing in the room. You can be a friend to my friends and an example to my kids. You are a good person when no one else is watching. You love your job and embrace every day for its abundance of possibilities. Even if one of those possibilities is finding a better job. You push me to be a better person. You encourage me to eat less carbs but will still stop for doughnuts. Some days you will kick my ass to work out when I lack the motivation, and some days I’ll kick your ass to do the same. Some days we’ll skip the ass kicking and just take a nap. You are consumed by your own interests but are present in the time we share together. I will support you with the things that matter most to you. Try to do likewise even if my interests seem nerdy or frivolous. At the very least, don’t piss in my corn flakes; the people and things that matter most to us are a package deal. Unconditional acceptance is the key. If I can get behind the quality writing of “Sex in the City” then you should be able to sample the quality story telling of “Game of Thrones”, even if it has dragons. You are playful. We will laugh together often, and sometimes playfully at each other, but never at the expense of another and certainly not each other. You must enjoy warm hugs, but you don’t have to understand references to Frozen. You should probably know who Inigo Montoya is though, and the tragic fate of his father.
What about me you ask? Well, let’s just say, for the duration of this correspondence, that I have long flowing hair, if you’re into that, and large rippling muscles, if you’re into that. Actually, if you’re into all that (or at least only that), then I’m probably not going to be into you. If you say that humor, honesty and humility are the most important attributes you look for in a man then I hope you mean it. If all your past boyfriends have been brooding bad boys with a worn collection of Polish jokes or fart noises, then you might want to reconsider the reality of your “type”. Who knows, maybe you dig “tear” tattoos, those just scream “comedy”.
In reality I can be loosely described as an introverted liberal dad. I am a creative scatterbrain and a sucker for sap. My inner voice rambles often but never stops me from listening. I compensate for hair loss with muscle tone. I like my eggs over-easy. What more needs be said?
(cue background music — “Somebody to Love” by Queen as sung by Anne Hathaway in Ella Enchanted,… just because.)
As the music plays me off like one of those audio birthday cards in Target that you open by accident, I want to thank you for your time and thoughtful consideration. I can just imagine you sitting there, silhouetted against the crescent moon absorbing the significance of each request and taking to heart the sincerity of my impassioned plea which, to summarize, is you should have everything I want and nothing I don’t. That’s not too much to ask the personification of a fantasy dream girl, is it?
Of course it is.
I mean I get the idea of putting out clear intentions into the Universe, visualizing your goals, making a dream board. Those are all great exercises to help me explore what I’m looking for, but it all needs to be tempered with the reality of an actual person with actual flaws and unique characteristics that evolved from the amalgamation of that individual’s life experiences. You may be completely different then how I imagined you. You may have something to offer that I didn’t even think to ask for and that’s pretty awesome. So really it doesn’t matter if you like Pina Coladas or getting caught in the rain, as long as there are no dead bodies in the trunk we should be good to go.
(music swells…)
“Can anybody find meeeee,…… somebody to love.”
(roll credits)
Sincerely,
Me
