Greatest Fails in Pasta Shapes
Tony and Gino Garibaldi had the potential to be culinary legends. Not content to mimic licensed characters in pasta form, these passionate souls swung for the fences and struck out more often than not. And though these setbacks would eventually take their toll, both personally and professionally, we honor their valiant efforts by celebrating their greatest failures;
Penne Lane — they started with a simple cliché, sticking to traditional shapes but violating the laws of humor.
Escher Steps — the concept drawings were mesmerizing but there were unexpected complications in production.
Big Dong — this was the next riff on a classic as the bigger brother of the campanelle “little bells”. Gino was a little too proud of this one.
Rock, Paper, Scissors — this idea came to them while the brothers decided who was going to tell father they were quitting the family business to pursue their dreams of pasta making. Tony kept picking rock, Gino kept picking scissors. Best 12 out of 15.
Nasoette — all that picking got them thinking of “small noses” as a variation on the traditional “small ear” orecchiette. The test group found it unappealing coated in pesto. Later attempts with the larger Pinocchio variety was deemed culturally insensitive.
Angela’s Hair — inspired by the golden locks of their beloved sister, this pasta was finer than Angel’s hair to the point it made members of the test group gag a little when put it in their mouth, and it took several attempts to fish out strands from under the tongue.
Doobie Twist — on the Friday night their father threatened to disown them the brothers rolled up this pasta idea resembling an overstuffed joint somewhere between a gemelli and a girandole.
Green Clovers, Pink Hearts, Orange Stars, Yellow Moons — that same night Gino had a sudden epiphany of magically delicious shapes with a catchy jingle. It was dismissed the next morning once he sobered up.
Velcro Hooks — a bit scratchy on their own. A nightmare when mixed with Angela’s Hair. After this, Tony started to lose confidence.
Ouija Puck — Tony dabbled with the occult for inspiration but then developed an irrational fear that the spirits would get pissy about being dropped into boiling water… more so if some idiot added oil to the pasta water.
E.coli — taking a page from the bacteria plush craze, Gino planned this as the first in a series. The test group, already disgusted by the unsanitary name, were not thrilled by what looked like a cross between a jellyfish and a fuzzy hot dog.
Pantie Sheets — similar to lasagna but this one has “wings”. This was Angela’s suggestion in an attempt to get brothers completely disowned and evicted from the loft over the garage.
Bubble Wrap — like ravioli but filled with a pocket of air. It was low in calories and made a satisfying pop when you bit into it. However, once popped the test group realized it was just an empty ravioli. As empty as their dreams for a better profession.
Evil Clown Faces — gave the test group nightmares about vampiric clowns pouring out from a cosmic void of annihilation. And also, scary balloon animals. Tony was pretty depressed by this point.
Faith — Gino tried to cheer his brother up with this inspirational variety, but no one could agree on what it looked like, and fights broke out between warring factions in the test group.
Vagina Clams — this one Angela said with a straight face, offering a variation on the classic shell design. It made it all the way to the test group. They were not amused.
Assorted Emojis — after the “vagina clams” incident the brothers hired Doug, an outside contractor, to help vet their ideas and avoid further lawsuits. Doug’s first offering was an alphabet soup for millennials. Test groups were inexplicably drawn to the eggplant and peach emojis. Gino tried again to push his “Big Dong”.
Squid Inkblots — Doug’s second attempt, the random shapes were engaging but the test group kept projecting images of their mothers and evil clowns, triggering intense feelings of dread. The test group realized they weren’t being paid enough for this gig.
Braille Alphabet — Doug tried to be more inclusive on his next foray, but he didn’t think this one through. Doug was later dismissed with three crates of vagina clams as severance.
Nautilus Shells — code named fibo-gnocchi, this one was gorgeously shaped, cleverly named… actually this idea was brilliant but no one was paying attention by that point.
Spork — it had come to this, a cheap knockoff of a cheap knockoff. The brothers questioned their life choices.
Wedgie — shaped like the arch of underwear pulled to painful lengths above the beltline. From the loft over the garage Angela sketched this one out for her brothers on a farewell card signed by the entire test group.
fin.
